And now for the "fun" list...the list where I dissect 10 of the absolute worst films made last year, and why they were so bad. This list was hard this time around, as there were so many dreadful films put out into the public eye last year. As with 2011's list, I'm staying away from remakes, as on point, most (if not all) were unnecessary to begin with, and would thus be too easy to make a complete list of them alone.
No, I am talking about the films that were so bad, that at one point during its filming, the producers, or directors, or actors HAD to question "What the hell are we doing here? This is NOT going to be good. At ALL." The ones that you have to wonder why they were given so much money to be made...why good actors chose to be in such subpar work.
So without further ado...
10. The Vow
I waffled between this movie and "The Lucky One", in that both are cut from the same Nicholas Sparks-like swath. Why I chose this one is because it's way easier to put a Zac Effron-starrer on the list...whereas most of the people involved in this particular film should have known better. As Jason Katims is awesome, I'm going to just presume the studio had their hands in messing up this film, along with having to adhere to the true-life story it was based on. I could care less about these two as a couple, and in the end...well...while there's a "happy" ending, it's far from satisfying. The cast was way too good to be wasted on this one.
9. John Carter
Funny enough, another former "Friday Night Lights" vet makes this list. While I flip-flopped between this one and "Battleship", I chose this particular Taylor Kitsch film because it was all over the place and I honestly couldn't get to the end of it. (While "Battleship" is equally awful, once on, you kind of want to know where they're going to go with it. That, and to hate watch Rhianna act horrifically). Slow, dull, and just a poor effort all around, this is the kind of sci-fi/fantasy film that keeps non-lovers of the genre from trying to like and accept it.
8. Alex Cross
This movie is on this list for a variety of reasons. 1) You can't reboot a franchise with the fantastic Morgan Freeman at the helm with...Madea. You just can't. Tyler Perry needs to stick to what he does best (a term I use loosely, as he really only produces the same movie over and over again with a slightly different cast) and stop trying to break into "action hero superstar". It doesn't work for him. 2) This kind of film just isn't made anymore. It may have done better in the mid-late 90s when these kinds of films were hot properties. But now? It felt heavily like a relic of the past. 3). Jack Shepard as a billy bad ass? Um...no. Horrible casting choice for the lead villain. It didn't work at all. Like the film in its entirety.
7. The Apparition
One of the worst "horror" films I have ever laid eyes upon. Poorly acted, no suspense, no great scare moments, horribly plotted...everything about this movie stunk, and was worthy of its low ratings and critical pans. Why is it so hard to make a good ghost story anymore???
6. Rock of Ages
Where to begin? Bad casting choices in almost every role, despite the fact that almost everyone involved has talent (I won't go on a tirade against why Julianne Hough is still "acting"). Way too long for what the story was. It didn't know what kind of movie it wanted to be. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. The only reason this didn't rate lower on the list, is because it at least had the music I grew up on to keep me "entertained" throughout. But by no means is that a recommendation to attempt to sit through this dreck. Buy the soundtrack or listen to the original songs instead.
5. The House At The End of the Street
Now...it's obvious this movie was made awhile back, before Jennifer Lawrence was Jennifer Lawrence. And, it tricked me into the theater not only because of my love for her, but because of my life-long love for Miss Adventures In Babysitting herself, Elizabeth Shue. And I even think Max Theriot may turn out to be one of the more promising young male actors out there right now. So again, I already knew the film had been shelved for a couple of years...but that's not ALWAYS a bad thing. Look at how long it took "Cabin In The Woods" to come out! Then I was on the fence when I learned it was rated PG-13. The big flag should have been when I realized it was based on a YA novel. But...it could've been a fun ghost story, right??? Hell. No. Not only was it not a ghost story. Not only was there no real suspense. Not only did all of the characters make such bone-headed mistakes that you wanted to go through the screen and throttle them, but it all led up to an awful twist that makes M.Night Shyamalan's "The Village" look like a masterpiece. This is one House that should have been demolished and rebuilt. I wanted my money back when it was over. That's how bad it was.
4. What To Expect When You're Expecting
This year's "Valentine's Day" and "New Years Eve". Now, of course, I went into this with loooooow expectations, as, let's face it, all movies of this ilk basically suck. And boy did this one live up to THAT. Some really great actors stuck in some really bad stories with mediocre actors. I believe this one even bombed, so I don't know why studios continue to make movies like this. Lowest common denominator in "comedy". And shame on you, Anna Kendrick. You know better than this. Your love interest was Chase Crawford from "Gossip Girl", for Christ's sake! Red flag alert!
3. Playing For Keeps
I won't lament on this one for long...but let's just say that its Rotten Tomatoes score and $6 million opening weekend says it all. And the reason I let it edge out "What To Expect" is because it had an even BETTER cast of people who should have known better. And a second movie on the list this year that starred the awesome Catherine Zeta-Jones. I hope she starts making good films again. Hell, I'd even allow "Chicago 2" if it meant her getting back to her glory days. Gerard Butler, however...well...your ship has sailed. Please stop. Please? (And take your bff Katherine Heigl with you.)
2. Silent House
Now THIS...this is one big, smelly, heaping pile o'crap. "A horror movie told in real time in one long take!" "Scary, original, and bold!" More like boring, idiotic, and vile. Not only did nothing really happen in this short (but so slow it felt twice its run time) film, but you see the end "twist" coming a mile away, based on a weird, creepy moment that happens roughly 10 minutes into the film. Okay, to be fair, there are two twists here. One of them is the one I spoke of...but it also feeds into the next "twist", that's been so overdone, you wonder why the filmmakers even bothered to use it. Especially when it is widely known that this kind of twist turns audiences off now. How could Elizabeth Olsen follow up the superior "Martha Marcy May Marlene" with this? Probably money. Because it sure as hell wasn't for plot and character development. Worst horror film of the year, hands down. And would have been my pick for number one, until THIS particular film came out...
1. Dark Shadows
Five words describe my feelings about this film: What the f**k, Tim Burton? Everything, and I mean, EVERYTHING was wrong about this take on the franchise. How do you turn something that started out as a dark soap opera (yeah yeah, it was campy...but when it first came out, no one thought so, so lets go with original takes, people), and then was made into a dark hour long primetime show, which was then turned into a dark hour long pilot years later for another network that didn't pick it up...into a "Brady Bunch Movie" parody of the original series? Actually, forget how. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS???
The stage was set for a movie that could have been scary, creepy, well-acted fun. Instead, we get treated to Tim Burton's cotton candy colored comedy of errors. Michelle Pfeiffer was horrendously underused. Jonny Lee Miller had no point as a character. Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp were way too cartoonish and over-the-top. And let's not get started on that last minute Chloe Grace Moretz character twist that comes off like a bad after-thought. While it's painfully obvious Tim Burton filmed this as if he were hoping for a sequel (or worse, a franchise), it didn't work. At all. And now he'll never get to finish telling the story of the Collins family.
If ever there was an argument and a good case for remakes, it's this film. Do it again, and do it right!
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Another tough group to figure out, as I don't want to cheat and list every other movie that came out last year. So here are some "highlights" for other bad films that almost, but didn't, make the list.
1. Trouble With The Curve - Clint Eastwood? Could you stop with this tired genre of "grumpy older man having to reconnect with his child whom he isolated while on a road trip to discovery" movies? It hasn't worked in awhile, and you just made it worse with this movie.
2. One For The Money - What's a Worst list without a Katherine Heigl movie, right? This is right up there with her other stinkers, but I'll give her kudos for not playing her typical character archetype. Still not a good movie though. Like, at all.
3. The Woman In Black - A London set ghost story with Harry Potter. What could go wrong? Everything. While it's based on a very old story, what must have been "original" back then is only over done now. No good scares, no slow build suspense. Just complete boredom.
4. Gone - Another "thriller" that was out of its era. Except, it wouldn't have done well back in the 90s either. This whodunnit was so slow and half-baked, that you know the original script had a particular character as the killer, but because the producers realized the audience would figure it out way too early, they did a bait-and-switch and turned the killer into a different character by film's end...and it didn't work. Tsk, tsk.
5. That's My Boy - I think we can all agree that it's time for Adam Sandler to either stick to movies like "Punch Drunk Love" and "Spanglish", or just hang up his damn hat. This was worse than "Jack and Jill", and used INCEST as a punchline! Seriously???
6. The Paperboy - Nicole Kidman. John Cusack. Directed by Lee Daniels. A southern pot-boiler. What could possibly go wrong? Hiring Macy Gray as the storyteller and Zac Effron as the lead. Making a slower than slow movie. Hating all of your leads as characters. Uninteresting and unnecessary.
7. Killing Them Slowly - Tied with "Amour" for Slowest, Dullest Film of the Year, this movie does everything wrong. The pacing, the wasting of its supporting cast (I dare you to watch it and tell me the point of James Gandolfini's character arc for the story as a whole), and the it just...ends. Most disappointing film of the year.
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