Hey guys,
Here is part two of my "Lists" series of 2010. I had A LOT of material to choose from, as this, by far, has been the worst year for film since I was born 31 years ago. As I mentioned in my last post, I couldn't even find 20 great films this past year...I had 30 for The Worst. So I whittled it down to my main 10, with explanations on why it made my list. Immediately after are a few Honorable Mentions that didn't quite make the list...but explanations on why they are deemed bad.
Enjoy!
10. The Social Network
Yeah, I said it. It’s been hailed “a dramatic thriller.” Really??? I think I need to re-read the rules of what a thriller is, because this film didn’t have me on the edge of my seat OR rooting for anyone to overcome ANY of the ridiculousness that was going on in the film. Well, maybe the Winklevoss Twins, but...considering we know how this all ends, it’s a moot point.
Look, this film IS good...as an NBC Movie of the Week if it were the 80s or early 90s. Just because you put a much lauded director and screenwriter in the mix doesn’t mean it’s going to be theatrical gold. Why am I so annoyed by this film, you ask? Let’s see... a)I could care less about any of these elitist, “too much time on their hands” kids who believe that to get ahead you have to continuously shit on people and alienate those who were only trying to help them. b) Jesse Eisenberg, aka “the other Michael Cera”. He’s not a great actor if he does the same role in everything he does, guys. Otherwise, he could have gotten nominated years ago for “Cursed”, or recently for “Zombieland”. Gripe all you want, but watch an Eisenberg marathon and I dare you to prove me wrong.
I know this over-hyped and underwhelming movie will get nominated numerous times and will win, at minimum, Best Adapted Screenplay (ugh) at this years’ Oscar ceremony...but it doesn’t mean I have to agree with it or like it. And let us all cross our fingers that this isn’t the beginning of other unnecessary and unwarranted biopics like “Myspace: The Rise and Fall of Social Sharing” or “A Twitter Story”.
9. I'm Still Here
Oh Joaquin Phoenix. What the hell is wrong with you? To be adamant that his film was “totally and completely true...not fake in the slightest”, just for you to finally admit that is was a complete fabrication right after it was released on DVD? We smelled fake from the moment it was conceived!
This improvisational nightmare is long, slow, and boring. Especially once you know that what you are watching is fake. Anything he hoped to accomplish with it is gone, and thus, not even worthy of checking out.
8. Valentine's Day
Hey! ANOTHER Ashton Kutcher film...!
Look, let’s not beat around the bush here. We knew this was going to be bad from the get-go. When you can get this many stars to essentially cameo in a film of basically vignettes with (again) way too many coincidences, you know something is amiss. Especially in a trailer for a comedy that boasts absolutely no laughs. Everyone phoned in their performances, chemistry was lacking in the couples who got together by film’s end, and you know it’s bad when the only person who got real laughs was...Taylor Swift. (I shudder having to write that last bit...)
7. Prince of Persia
So...okay. Jake Gyllenhaal has great abs. Good for him, and good for the female audience. So what about everyone else looking for SOMETHING worth watching in this (surprise!) really awful movie based on a video game?
Well. everyone else is screwed. Period. Weak story, boring action set pieces, and not a saving grace in sight. When will Hollywood learn that there is a reason these games were developed as GAMES. And it won’t get much better with the upcoming Monopoly (!!!) film...
6. The American
This film...is the epitome ...of a vanity project. A film...that looked to ape Gus Van Sant’s directing in every way. Here’s George Clooney working out. Here’s George Clooney walking down the street. Here’s George Clooney building a gun for some kind of assignment that we still don’t know about. Here’s George Clooney chatting up a priest and talking in code and symbolism. Here’s George Clooney driving down the street. This is 45 minutes into the film, by the way. Notice I haven’t given you the plot yet...because I still didn’t know the plot yet. And I didn’t wait around for the filmmakers to get to it, either. Sorry George. Better luck next time.
5. Killers
(Deep sigh). Where to begin? Katherine Heigl’s uninspired acting (she’s the new Jennifer of RomComs, you know. Which Jennifer? Anniston or Lopez...you decide). Ashton Kutcher as “the ridiculously attractive alpha male assassin”. A completely wasted supporting cast with the likes of Catherine O’Hara, Tom Selleck and Alex Borstein. A story SO over-the-top and unrealistic that you have to wonder if this film was originally intended as an animated film.
I know, RomComs give the license to have more “storyline dictated coincidences” than other films...but the amount of coincidences found here is enough to take that license away forever. The absolute worst romantic comedy of the year. And that’s saying something, considering we had the likes of “The Bounty Hunter”, “The Back Up Plan” and “Knight and Day” all in the same year.
4. Jonah Hex
Do I even have to explain why this was bad? Supernatural Western...Megan Fox...a character no one really knows about...and a bad script with dialogue as lifeless as Megan Fox’s acting. If this film does nothing but let Hollywood execs know that Miz Fox isn’t worth putting in more films, it will have done ONE justice in this world.
3. Charlie St. Cloud
Another SPOILER ALERT if you even CARE to see this ridiculous film to begin with. What’s funny about this film, is, you know it’s going to be bad from the trailer alone. You just don’t know HOW bad it’s going to be, until you get to a “twist” in the film that smacks heavily of “The Sixth Sense”... and not in a good way. You see, Charlie not only sees dead people (his younger brother who dies early in the film), but he sees almost dead people as well. I won’t say who if you still intend to see this movie...but, let’s just say, it was such an out-of-left-field twist, that I didn’t even want to go back and make sure the director didn’t show Charlie talking to this person around other people or see if there were any “cheats” along the way, like I did with “The Sixth Sense”. Enter at your own sleep-induced risk.
2. Catfish
How fitting that two of my worst films this year deal with Facebook! “Catfish”, or what I have come to call “The Fake Facebook Movie”, is quite the study on deceptive advertising. For those of you have not seen this film, or who have and stand by your “It IS real!” stance, let me assure you, this is about as fake as finding tapes in the Burkittsville, MD woods!
Why am I sure of this? (SPOILER ALERT...if you have not seen the film and want to, read no further). First of all, the story. Now, call me crazy, but if I were a 40 year old woman with mentally challenged children and a white trash husband who has gone so far as to trick an attractive 20-something male into believing I was a hot 20-something female, and went so far as to create an entire WORLD of friends and family to keep up the charade... I would NEVER give the guy permission to air this in a theatrical film!!! Hello!
Second of all, the film is really product placement to advance these people’s careers. The main guy, Nev, is...a wannabe actor! The director, his brother who wanted to document this “true story”, is...a wannabe director! The woman at the heart of this drama is...a struggling artist who now has a website for her art! Come on folks. Open your eyes.
What pissed me off the most, however, is the advertising of the film. The so-called quotes to get everyone to go out and see this ridiculously slow-paced mess. “The final forty minutes will take you on an emotional roller-coaster rise that you won’t be able to shake for days.” Nope. You see the final forty minutes coming around minute 10 of the film. But the one that REALLY pissed me off? “The best Hitchcock film Hitchcock never directed.” What gall! Hitchcock is probably turning over in his grave! Avoid at all costs...and if not...you’ve been warned. Just don’t get suckered into the “true” aspect these amateurs are selling you.
1. Remember Me
There are many reasons why this film has been chosen as my number one pick for Worst Film of 2010. Robert Pattinson is one reason. He’s my “Young Mark Ruffalo”. An average, undynamic actor who will no doubt keep getting role after role thanks to the idiot teenage girls out there who catapulted him to stardom with the horrific “Twilight” movies. Thanks so much for that.
Another reason is the story. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before. Rich dad doesn’t spend as much time with his family so spoiled older son renounces the family wealth to live like one of us common folk and constantly rebel against anything Daddy does. It’s been done better by better filmmakers and casts.
But the MAIN reason (and this is the mother of all SPOILER ALERTS...I mean, I am going to give away the ending and trash it to kingdom come) is how it ends. The director, as if knowing that the audience really could care less about these people or their petty problems, decides to ground the film in a real life disaster that is so horrifically used as a plot point, that this film should have been banned from ever seeing the light of day. Follow me as I give you the slow build realization of the denouement...
Robert Pattinson goes to his father’s building, finally deciding enough is enough and looking to give him the benefit of the doubt and try to move towards rebuilding their shattered relationship. At this time, he has also made up with the girl he thought he lost forever. Pierce Brosnan, the dad, has told his son to wait for him in his office...he will go and pick up his daughter, with whom he knows he needs to build a better relationship as well. Robert Pattinson turns on dad’s computer, and is shocked to see that the screensaver is all pictures of himself and his sister. Tears spring to his eyes. An epiphany is reached...Dad loved us all along! Robert Pattinson walks over to the window to look out over New York City on this beauitful, sunny day. We cut to the sister, in class, where we learn what today’s date is: September 11th, 2001. The film isn’t present day! It’s 2001! We cut back to Robert Pattinson looking out the window, serene and happy. We get a wide shot, on him, pulling out slowly to reveal ...Dad’s office...IS IN THE TWIN TOWERS!!!! The sound of a plane approaches off camera. CUT TO BLACK! Fade in to the aftermath...ashes falling over the city...Pierce Brosnan and Rob’s lady love looking toward the Twin Towers in horror, tears falling from their eyes...some dumb ass voice over to tie it up and make you cry harder...
Any film that utilizes such a sorrowful disaster as a PLOT POINT to elicit an emotional response from the audience because the filmmakers didn’t know how to make us care about these annoying individuals to begin with, is worthy of the honor of Worst Film...if not, Worst Film Ever. Even Nicholas Sparks, King of Schmaltz, has never resorted to this kind of travesty to elicit tears from his audience. Shame on you, Will Fetters. Shame on you.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
A Nightmare on Elm Street - this highly glossy and stylized remake is every reason why remakes should never be allowed to happen. Not a scary moment in sight.
The Losers - a lifeless action film with so many twists that they become more and more ludicrous. The worst part? A promise of a sequel...which will never get made, thankfully, to the abysmal box office.
Furry Vengeance - do I really need to explain?
The Bounty Hunter - typical Jennifer Aniston/Gerard Butler RomCom crap. They are so used to these roles that they seem to be on auto pilot now.
Just Wright - when you can peg every twist and how the story will unfold 15 minutes into the film, it's time to go back to the drawing board.
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