Top 10 Worst Films Of 2011

My “Worst Films” list is always the hardest to cull together.  Why?  Because there are more bad films released with each passing year than good ones, sadly.  And boy was 2011 a bad year.   So bad that I contemplated making a Top 20 List...and even then, I had plenty left over for “Honorable Mention”.  But I hunkered down, made the necessary cuts, and created my Top 10 list for your perusal.  As my 10 Best List caused confusion with my non-linear picks, I will count down this list from number 10 (being the least hated) to number 1 (being the film I hated most last year). 

As I am a staunch despiser of remakes, I decided not to add any here, as it would make up the list in its entirety.  And let’s face it...there were no good remakes last year, so why even bother stating the obvious?

I also apologize now for cheating...as technically there are 11 films on this list.  But when you get to number 2, you will understand why.

So here is my list for your perusal...

10. Contagion

Let’s face it: we’ve seen this story before.  We’ve also seen it done better with lesser known stars and greener directors.  So how could one of our more prolific directors get so many A-list stars together to create such a dud of a film?  Maybe Soderburgh met with Gary Marshall and took some tips.  Maybe the script got rewritten to all hell.  But to create an outbreak thriller that is duller than watching paint dry...devoid of characters you want to root for to live...to gloss over how some people were immune and others weren’t...to have no plot points in which to move us from one moment to the other... is unforgivable.

9. Tree of Life

And the award for Most Pretentious Film Of The Year goes to...!  What the eff?  I just...I mean...sigh.  Here’s how I like to describe this movie to those who have yet to see it: Have you seen 2001: A Space Odyssey?  Yes?  Okay, remember the first 20 minutes where you’re desperately waiting for the film to get to the space craft?  Imagine that first 20 minutes stretched out to 2 hours and 20 minutes...and you never get to the space craft.

8. Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

AKA “I’m so desperate for a career comeback, so let’s dredge up this tired old franchise and try to reboot it!”  No, Martin, no.  Don’t give Eddie Murphy any ideas for a Klumps 3.  Unfunny, poorly paced, and ridiculous for even THIS kind of film.  Next time you decide to dress in drag for a movie, at least have the decency to do it as the only funny “lady” you’ve ever created: She’Naynay.

7. Trespass

Where to begin?  Stop me if you’ve heard any of this before: Nic Cage, in a bad hair piece and with poor acting, and his beautiful wife, Nicole Kidman, are having Marital Problems.  Before you can say “Family In Crisis”, a group of men break in and demand Money and Jewels.  But there is a Plot Twist that turns everything on its ear and makes you question the motives of one half of this married couple.  Yes!  Another home invasion thriller!!!  And by thriller, I mean cliched bore.  And by cliched bore, I mean “why the heck did I sit through this until the end?”  And it was SO bad, that it came out on DVD almost a month after its theatrical release...and no one could place the title when it was announced. Consider yourself warned.

6. Something Borrowed

You only need to read these six words to understand why this made the list: A romantic comedy starring Kate Hudson.  But wait...this isn’t just ANY romantic comedy!  It’s a romantic comedy where there is absolutely NO rooting value for ANY of the couples.  One Vile Person steals a Spineless Man from a Doormat b/c neither of the two sad sacks had the cajones to tell the other how they felt about the other.  Then, after getting drunk and sharing their feelings after Spineless gets engaged to Vile, Spineless and Doormat sleep together...and Doormat figures, “Well, Vile is a bitch, so, I should have Spineless instead. I’m nicer.”  Then it turns out Vile may not exactly be monogamous and everyone becomes righteous and...did I bore you yet?  Do you care about the outcome?  Good...neither did I.  And that’s a dangerous way to be when you do a romantic comedy...

5. The Roommate

Minka Kelly plays Bridget Fonda, an attractive girl with a cheating boyfriend.  Leighton Meester, playing Jennifer Jason Leigh, is a crazy girl who stopped taking her medication and has severe abandonment issues.  Soon, Jennifer Jason Leigh is changing her appearance to look and dress like Bridget Fonda, killing Bridget’s cheating boyfriend, knocking out Bridget’s gay BFF, and...wait.  Am I re-watching the superior 1992 film “Single White Female”???  Oh...no...I’m not.  I’m watching The CW Cast Of The Week doing an “original” film.  Did I mention this one involved a little kitten being thrown into a clothes dryer so that Leighton could try to get closer to Minka’s character?  Yeah.  It would have been one thing if this movie was shot in an over-the-top, campy, wink-wink-nudge-nudge way it should have been.  But its real crime is taking itself too seriously...and trying to fool us into thinking we’re watching a “good” film.
 
4. Shark Night 3D

Maybe I hated it because I didn’t see it in theaters in 3D...where I missed great gore moments flying towards my face.  Maybe I hated it because it wasn’t long enough.  Or maybe I hated it because this movie had zero character development, revealed its plot with only 10 minutes left in its running time, had a twist that was telegraphed in the beginning of the film, and then left us with an ending that was so reminiscent of Piranha 3D that you had to wonder if they shot it the same weekend.  Worse: the promise of a possible sequel.  But hey, if you like the other half of The CW All Stars who didn’t make it into “The Roommate”, then this flick might be for you.  Oh, and the Black Character who was stupid enough to go back into the water, tough guy-like after losing an arm to a shark early on to go mano-a-mano with said shark again?  In the dark? And armed with only a spear?  Um...that wouldn’t happen in real life.

3. The Hangover 2

I really shouldn’t have put this film on this list, as I said I wouldn’t list remakes in the beginning, but since this was released as a “sequel”, it gets to make the cut!  See, in sequels, there are rules.  1)Expound upon the characters you have created in the original.  Bring something new to the film that you couldn’t/didn’t bring to the first one and make us like them even more.  2)Make it different enough to make us fall in love with the film just as much, if not more than, the original.  3)Don’t. Give Us. The Same. Damn. Thing.  Here, the completely overrated Todd Phillips (aka the new Judd Apatow) has broken all of the rules...and he is being rewarded...with a THIRD FILM in this unfunny, unnecessary franchise.  Same “jokes”, new locale.  No character growth.  I coudln’t even watch it all...I fast forwarded through most of it.  And for those of you who paid to see it in the theaters?  I only have one word for you: Suckers!

2. New Years Eve/ Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Now, I’m cheating on two counts here.  Count number one: I made it a tie, when it’s only a top 10 list.  Count number two: the trailers for these two films were so God awful that I didn’t bother seeing them, yet filled me with such over powering hate that I included them on this list anyway.

 First up: “New Years Eve”.  Even though I didn’t see it, I did.  It was called “Valentine’s Day” last year, and every excruciating moment of that film was re-lived in the trailer for “New Years Eve”.  It even had some of the same cast!  In fact...this movie had a BETTER cast!  Michelle Pfeiffer???  Halle Berry???  Hillary Swank??? Robert DeNiro??? (Okay, touche.  He hasn’t done a good movie in almost two decades, but still!)  Why???  Rob Marshall, that’s why.  I do believe he’s Satan incarnate now...getting A-list actors to commit to such rubbish, thus tarnishing their images in our eyes.  And to add Katherine Heigl to the mix to boot???  It’s like Rob Marshall wanted to create genocide in the United States, getting people to kill themselves while watching this movie, thus helping out with population control.  Methinks he will succeed if he does another one of these films.

Now, for “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close”.  First of all, my brain shut down when I saw the shot of the Twin Towers smoking, and Sandra Bullock looking at it, tears in her eyes, on the phone with her husband, Tom Hanks.  Cue the swelling, sad music, and the precocious little boy talking life lessons in voice over that he would never ever EVER say if it were, you know, real life.  Add to that The Journey the boy must go on to find out what The Key his dead father left behind unlocks...and the cast of Interesting Supporting Characters he comes in contact with (A Weary Black Woman! A Wise Old Man!) along the way, and not one scene where Sandra Bullock ISN’T crying, and you just lost a film goer.  I believe this film would win “Most Emotionally Manipulative Film Of The Year”.  But it won’t manipulate me into thinking I’m missing out on a good movie, that’s for sure.  Critically panned, audience hated...and an Oscar Contender.  Oh, what tangled web we weave, Hollywood politics.

1. Trust

Alas, we get to my most hated film of the year.  Not since last years’ number one movie (the awful “Remember Me”) have I been filled with such hate...such malice for a film.  In this Lifetime Movie Of The Week That Got Released Theatrically Because Of Its Cast (Clive Own, Catherine Keener...directed by David Schwimmer), a happy, loving family with absolutely no real turmoil to speak of, is rocked to its core when their eldest (but under-aged) daughter is raped by a man in his 40s.  Now wait!  Before you damn me for hating on a film that, by this description, makes it sound like this played out in a harrowing, haunting way...let me tell you what REALLY went down.

So, this teenage girl meets this “teenage boy” online, in a teen chat room.  The girl falls madly in love with this boy through all of the IM’s and text messages she receives by him.  Then they start talking on the phone, and she’s blowing off her family and friends for this “cute boy” (he sent her a picture, naturally) that she has never met.  (Oh, he doesn’t have a web cam, if you were asking that in your mind just now.)  Then, one evening, he tells her that he hasn’t been really truthful with her: he’s actually in college.  A mild look of shock washes across her face...but she’s okay with this.  Who doesn’t want a slightly older guy to show off to their girlfriends, right?  A week later, after more Chat Love, he tells her “Okay.  Don’t be mad.  I’m actually 25.”  Whaaaaa?  Why did he lie to her????  But you know what?  He’s still dreamy, and even though more red flags should have been going off in her head, she decides to keep their “relationship” going.  Finally, they decide to meet!  In public!  At the mall!  OMG!  (Because that’s where most pedophiles would meet their under-aged prey.  In public.  At the mall.)

Cut to the meeting...and shock!!!! This dreamy 25 year old is actually in his 40s.  Tears are shed by the teenage girl.  Shock is on her face.  She’s been lied to!  So, she promptly tells him to buzz off and runs away from this pervert.  Oh, wait.  I forgot, that wouldn’t happen in real life...so instead, the writer has her stick around, “since she’s already there”, and the perv talks her into going to lunch with him, because they’re “so connected” and age shouldn’t matter.  She agrees, hesitantly, but ends up enjoying their lunch...and the ice cream they eat after.  (Did I mention that one of her teenage girlfriends sees her on this “date” and only has the flicker of concern on her face.  No walking over to find out what’s going on.  No phone call to anyone’s parents.  That would be the SMART thing to do.)  But back to the action!  The “date” is coming to an end.  The girl needs to get home.  So of course, the only logical thing is to go with her new guy friend...who promises her that there is a present waiting for her in the car (!).  And what is said present?  Why, a beautiful, sexy bra and panty number from Victoria’s secret!  Would she care to go to his hotel room and try it on for him?  (Dramatic pause).  Why, yes she would!  (!!!)

So now we’re in the hotel room...and this under aged girl looks even younger wearing this adult wear, and her new male friend REALLY thinks she’s beautiful in it.  Well, shucks, since he called her beautiful, I guess sex is the next logical step, right?  Cut to the girl getting home safely.  Her new male friend has promised to call her soon, and tells her he loves her...and by golly, she loves him too!  It was only THE most magical night of her life!  Then happiness turns to sadness turns to anger when...he doesn’t call her back!  OMG!

So as not to completely spoil the film for those of you who dare to watch this...it leads to police involvement, trips to the therapist (shame on you, Viola Davis), a sting operation and an open ended film.  What pissed me off the most about this dreck, was that this girl comes from a family where the parents are smart, involved, and protect their children.  So this girl “should have known better”.  These parents would have warned her about something like this happening.  So this film shouldn’t have happened.  At least, not with these characters...and not in the way where the victim actually believes herself to be in love with this man!  It just makes you want to slap some sense into this girl...not be sympathetic towards her plight. 

And now, for honorable mentions....

Your Highness - It could have been a contender...Natalie Portman.  Danny McBride.  Pot humor.  But it crashed...and burned.  I didn’t laugh once.

Wrecked - Adrian Brody, in a car, wrecked in the woods, with sparse dialogue and flashbacks leading up to how he got into said wreck.  90 minutes of sheer boredom.

30 Minutes Or Less - Another great comedic cast.  Another waste of time.  Maybe Danny McBride doesn’t do good movies...?

The Dilemma - Seeing a pattern here?  Comedy is dead...and never has it been moreso than in this awful mess that didn’t know if it wanted to be more of a comedy or more of a drama.  Never has Jennifer Connelly’s talent been more wasted...and never should she be in a film that also states, “...and Channing Tatum” as part of its cast.

Paul - A talking alien with Seth Rogan’s annoying voice.  ‘Nuff said.

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night - I’m all for horror/comedy hybrids...but I like good ones that don’t lose itself in its own mythology and makes its audience go to slee-zzzz.

Battle: Los Angeles - I’m still not sure what happened in this film.

J. Edgar - I do believe it’s time for Clint Eastwood to give up the ghost.  This too long, uninteresting movie with its really bad aging make up and hammy over-acting deserved to get no awards love.

Top 10 Best Films Of 2011

I know it’s February, but I have been behind on my movie watching lately and needed to catch up so I can make as complete a Best and Worst list as I could for the films that came out in 2011.  First up is my Best of 2011 list.  I’m not listing these in any specific order...just a representation of my favorite films last year.   This list was probably the easiest to compile, as there were so many awful movies released last year that finding the few good ones was like finding someone walking around a crowd in bright red shoes.  So without further adieu...

1. Crazy, Stupid, Love

Every year, I find it harder and harder to find a good comedy (I’ve given up on the fact that finding a GREAT comedy is all but unheard of now) to add to my list, when there are crappy “comedies” like “The Hangover 2” and  “30 Minutes Or Less” clouding the landscape.  So imagine my surprise when this GREAT COMEDY materialized out of nowhere.  And it wasn’t a remake!  Great cast.  Great performances.  Nice little twist tying all of the stories together.  One of the truly (few) smart comedies being made today...and I hope imitation of THIS ilk quickly follows suit.

2. The Descendants

Alexander Payne really can do no wrong.  To pull these kinds of performances from B-list actors (Judy Greer) and C-list actors (Matthew Lillard) and make you like a typically boring ABC Family actress (Shailene Woodley)...and a great turn by George Clooney (not playing George Clooney for once) makes this one of the most wonderfully acted films of the year.  And to evoke an equal amount of laughter AND tears out of the audience is to be commended.  Why is this man not making more films, while we’re subjected to the subpar likes of Todd Phillips and Judd Apatow multiple times a year?

3. The Help

I know.  I’m supposed to hate this movie, being African-American.  But as I look at film for its story-telling, and not its “why are Black women playing maids?” I enjoyed the way this story was told from start to finish.  Yeah, it’s about racism.  That sucks, but it happened.  (And let’s not forget, in the not so distant past, if a film with a mostly African-American cast came out, they were usually set “in the hood”...and people saw those films in droves, so let’s not get uppity on this subject, shall we?).  It’s a story about finding one’s own voice and rising up in the face of adversity.  It was hilarious when it was funny, poignant when it was sad, and can we just admit that this was the BEST cast of any film this year?  

4. The Artist

A silent film.  A story told with almost no dialogue.  And it’s 2012.  This film deserves every single award and platitude it gets.  I got more out of this movie and these characters in 90 minutes with no dialogue than I got in other “loved” (aka over-rated films) like “The Social Network” and “Slumdog Millionaire”...and both were at or over two hours.

5. Margin Call

For those of you who know me, I care about current events about as much as I enjoy going to the dentist.  So to find this movie in my top ten list will come as a surprise...but surprise me this movie did!  Mixing a cast of veterans with a group of up-and-coming talent, plus race-against-the-clock  story-telling, and told from the perspectives of what can arguably be called the biggest group of “gray area” characters to grace the screen made this one of the most enjoyable experiences of the year.

6. Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Rare is a sequel better than the original.  Even rarer? A four-quel being the best movie in a franchise.  Where to begin?  The scene where Cruise is hanging off of the world’s tallest building?  I was on the edge of my seat, my fist almost in my mouth, stifling my screams as those gloves began to give way and that rope wasn’t long enough.  The code swapping sequence?  The final fight?  Tying together part three and four through the story of Ethan Hunt’s wife?  The promise of a new cast and mythology?  Best action movie of the year.

7. Super 8

This film is polarizing to the masses.  People either loved it or hated it.  I, obviously, am a part of the former group.  A throwback to films I grew up watching as a child, it brought me back to the days where I could watch a movie without picking it apart scene-by-scene.  The train crash sequence alone put this film in my top 10.

8. Shame

Where to begin?  Other than the fact that Michael Fassbender repeatedly made millions of men wonder about the size of their own manhood, there’s a lot going on in this movie.   A true film lover’s movie, this is one of those great cinematic masterpieces of character study that all writers and filmmakers should aspire towards.  In the first 5 minutes of the movie, we’re treated to a slow build seduction that takes place on a subway train.  No dialogue...just looks, glances, and smiles leading up to a  surprise “chase scene” that could be placed in anyone’s Top 10 Chase Scenes Of All Time.  This movie is THAT good.

9. Drive

Like watching an hour and half music video...of greatness.  This movie is like the baby “The Artist” and “Shame” gave birth to.  A DEFINITE film lover’s movie...told with sparse dialogue and almost nothing but pure chemistry to keep the movie going...this film was unjustly over looked by the Academy this year.  And the fact that it looks like a retro flick sold it for me.

10. We Bought A Zoo

I was initially leery of this film.  It had all the trappings to become an overly sentimental, melodramatic, “cry here, laugh there” kind of film.  Imagine my pleasant surprise when I left this film thoroughly enjoyed.  (It didn’t hurt that they used the cutest kid this side of Jerry Maguire.)  Funny, poignant, and smart, this is one of the films that should have gotten nominated for an Oscar and inexplicably didn’t.

These runner up films were in contention, but were edged out by the above films:

Bridesmaids - Funny movie, great cast, but a bit too long.

Cedar Rapids - I’m a sucker for raunchy, indie comedy with morally ambiguous characters.  This is definitely one of those.

Midnight In Paris - I didn’t love this film as much as everyone else did.  But I did enjoy it, as I’m not normally a Woody Allen fan.  (All time favorite: “Match Point”).

Page One: A Year Inside The New York Times - I usually avoid documentaries like the plague, as most don’t interest me.  But this was a very compelling look inside one our dying art forms.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes - I didn’t think this was the second-coming of films that everyone else thought it was, but it was definitely enjoyable.